When Safe is No Longer Safe
For a few years now my therapist has been following a procedure known as EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) to help me move through some thought processes and memories that I struggle with. It’s a pretty incredible form of psychotherapy, and I highly recommend looking into it. One part of EMDR is the creation of a mental safe space. The safe space is somewhere you can go after accessing traumatic memories, as well as a place to find inner peace in a busy moment. Personally, my safe space is the front pasture at my “home” barn, sitting in the grass, watching the horses there graze. For years I have utilized my inner safe space and found it to be a great comfort.
However, due to recent life events, this space is no longer accessible to me.
On April 18th I was helping my boss turn out horses when a young mare reacted to the horse I was leading and kicked out. I was too close, and she caught me in the abdomen, knocking me off of my feet. Lots ensued after that, but it culminated in a helicopter flight to the nearest hospital, where they learned I had level 4 liver trauma (on a scale of 1-5) and was put in the ICU for monitoring. Since then I have spent nearly 6 weeks on complete bed rest, before attempting to transition back to my “normal” routine (some of you may be aware that I also moved back to my home state of Ohio in this time period, meaning a new normal for us).
As I began moving back into the space of the barn, I felt that everything was perfectly fine. Sure I had some residual soreness and was maybe a bit more cautious, but all in all, I was Perfectly Normal™. I applauded myself for being able to walk away with no damage and was excited at the thought of getting to move forward again.
Yet as I walked through my days, I found myself increasingly unable to regulate my emotions, often spending hours crying or panicking. Little things, like finding ticks on my dogs or merging on the highway were causing huge breakdowns for me. After discussing it with my therapist, we decided that I was experiencing a latent reaction to my accident, triggered by the move and attempting to go back to the barn.
This has been incredibly difficult for me, as it has forced me to reevaluate my decisions and what I do in my day-to-day life. With the support of my team and family, I have decided to take a month off from horses. This decision does not come lightly, as I love my horse deeply and cherish our time together. However, what I value more is my continued participation in this sport and the safety and well-being of myself and those around me.
So how do you move forward when what was safe, no longer feels safe? I’m not entirely sure, but it’s something I’ve decided to dedicate the next month of my life to figure this out. I will continue to post and work on my podcast, as these things bring me joy, but life will be shifting for me, and as always, I do not know what the future holds.
Sending lots of love and healing xx
